the empty chairs

coping with the space
no more squeezing arms around herself
the wind flies her off
not holding onto any soul, she's lost

suddenly a lad appears
the empty chairs are no longer quiet
there's a spotted anxiety
a glimpse of undefined hope

should i say a word
should i ask 'how is the food?'
slowly beating hard what-so-called my heart
breathing in deeply, release it unnaturally

eyes stuck on the phone
frozen, avoiding to move
only thumbs dancing on the land of keys
pretending she's busy as everybody sees

this is it,
she ends up with some lines
words arranged in sort fancy style
not long 'til she comes back into the realm
the chairs have gone back calm

pipi yang basah

kubelai pipimu yang basah
sambil menahan air mataku sendiri
berat bagimu pasti, ibu
menjerit hati ini isakku pun pecah

disini, di tempat ku berteduh
selama hampir segenap usiaku
memandang langit tiap sudut kamarku
usang namun kaya berjuta kenangan

tiap tetes air mata yang telah
kubagi dengan selimut kesayangan
kupeluk guling dan membayang
kasih yang datang dan hilang

sedang di seberang sana
cahaya lampu berpijar
disanalah dua jiwa teramat kucinta
menjagaku sejak tangisku tak henti semalaman

aku pergi, dan kau pun pilu
'tuk semerbak senyummu, doaku malam ini
menghiasi hari-hari kala sepi
hingga nanti aku kembali memelukmu,
erat sedalam rinduku, oh ibu.

about process and present

So I guess I almost forgot how I enjoyed the process of every event in my life. I used to cherish all forms of surprises, regardless where it might lead me – happiness or grief. And today I was just reminded to stick to what I have at this moment when one of my 5 year-olds raised his hand and randomly said, “Miss Monica, we need to wait for 2 weeks before a cocoon turns into a butterfly” as we finished singing ‘Butterfly’.

Just because it is unseen, doesn’t mean it stops progressing. As the cocoon metamorphosing into a beautiful creature, it completes whatever task it needs to perform each day. No complaints, no hesitance, no worries about turning into something else or not being able to change at all.

Learnt from the cocoon, here’s the list of things I did today:

- Took the last bus ride with a dear colleague who’s moving to another campus.

- Popped up at a friend’s place, gave her a goodbye hug before her departure tomorrow morning.

- Had char kueytiaw for dinner, which I haven’t had for about a year.

- Finally, wrapped up this day with forgiveness. Yes, a decision to forgive could be the sweetest gift you give to yourself. It might not affect the other party, yet it totally makes a big difference in your daily life.

The moon was full last night. And the sky was crystal clear. Perhaps the moon is still full tonight, but its light is covered with the haze, thus looks less bright and pretty than last night. I’m glad I paused and enjoyed it for a while last night. I’m grateful that I took time to run my ‘errands’ today. Instead of worrying about what tomorrow may bring, I hope people I mentioned above were reminded of how special their presence are in someone’s life. At least in mine. :)

august the first

August the first, you’re the one

The very moment I should begin the countdown

But what am I gonna do if I can’t

Ain’t I have no idea where to run

I detest the place, yet it feels homey

Like a combination of yummy and yucky

Two types of rice mixed in a bowl of congee

Separating the good from the bad is just silly

August the first, the moonlight beamed down

The spirit of a woman takes it all round

Revealing the story of clueless soul

Stays where she stands, freed from the foul

Radiant does she always look

No matter how messy muddy her dress gets

Sweat and tears streaming down as the brook

There smiles she still, showing no regrets

August the first, I came here with thirst

I didn’t win the game, doesn’t mean I lose

By the story, I’ve been empowered

I’ve made a history, completed the cruise

second day

on my second day, i was completely lost

been wandering here and there like a ghost

if i could, only if i could find the most

perhaps i'd celebrate and offer a toast

from ap lei chau,

i didn't go straight home

i kept on switching the channel

just to be away and distracted

i went down to central,

sent off fatima my intricate sculptor,

tramming further to causeway bay,

and shopped all the way

really, what a fancy object our brain is

it requires all efforts to satisfy what it requests

for it's my second day of stay,

shall i not be gone astray

moved out, moved in!

My first day in Ap Lei Chau… Yes, I no longer belong to the hip Causeway Bay. After successfully moving 3 luggages, 7 paper bags, and 1 jumbo box into this flat, I’m officially moved in. Exhausted, but the spectacular view from the window has cast my weariness away. Two years ago when I arrived in HK, I used to live in Chi Fu Fa Yuen, a housing complex which is situated on the hills. The view from my small room was as marvelous – both sea and mountain views from 22^nd floor. From this current flat, Aberdeen sea illuminated by the lights from the boats, only 41 levels down there. Those boats are enjoyed by thousands of people residing in the flat buildings opposite the sea – or perhaps the other way around.

Only 15 minutes away from Causeway, it’s really tranquil in here. I suppose it’s a perfect place to reflect on my 2-year journey before I leave this vibrant city.  In fact it could be a shelter while I’m fighting against my worries of uncertain future. Well, what is certain in this world, anyway? Very few – we all can name it. So perhaps I’ll change my perspective of being worried about the future. If I got options, they could only fall into two chances: a slight difference or a dramatic change of life. Either way, it’s fun, it’s might be tough yet still fun, so let me convince myself.

Beautiful Sunday evening in Sham Wan Towers, how can I not be grateful? I’m thankful for everyone who owns the flat I’ve lived in. They are not only such great landlords, but also wonderful people. The comfort of staying in their flats somehow reflected their beautiful hearts.  These people were directly sent to us – not through an agent whatsoever. A clear hint, I guess, that the kindness needs to be directly spread out. Happy Sunday! :)

di persimpangan ini

sendiri aku menjelajah
penuh gundah, tak kenal arah
lelah aku hampir menyerah
ranting ini pun patah, mengalah

tentang dirimu
bukan tentang dirinya
di persimpangan ku menunggu
di benakku lepas tawamu menyeruak

tak bisa kumelangkah maju
tak adil ini, setidaknya bagimu
namun belum bisa ku mundur
karena tak kuasa hati ini kuatur

biarkan ku disini sementara
perlahan kupejamkan mata
waktu, satu per satu...
angin, bawalah pergi rasa
di suatu saat nanti...
semesta, izinkan dia bahagia

antigravity

If I could choose

I would rather stay here

As I’m never good at saying goodbye

Take my breath in

Deeply concentratin’

Will I find a way to keep them alive

Will I make a way or should I strive

Antigravity

Never’ll it be easy

Set all things free

Til none can I see

Antigravity

Lights dimmed inside me

Laughs, tears, journeys

Immortal in memory

So long eight hundreds sweetest days

To you where I belong

Though never I’m your ace

Antigravity...

Don't take away the memory...

attention

oh you shut your mouth up!
and you, turn your head around!
let me see your face
set your eyes on me

in a second will i start to talk
your readiness is the only thing i ask

if i start to sweat
or even worse, my pants i wet
will you open that big ears of yours
those dumbo's leaves sticking on your head

of course this is not about you
nothing else matters but this young lady

hopeless she has been
yet always greedy

never will she let a breath passing through
without whispering an adoration
though untrue attention
- it's the one she craves for

thirstily will she sip every single chance
she's got the fanciest food she'd ever wished

for the less she obtains
when the most is needed

surrender

at a time like this,
i just wanna cast this fear away
as i've been once stranded
in this deep, unending void

oh how frail a man can be
when control is out of sight
and uncertainty appears like a giant enemy
who widely soars, loudly roars
proclaiming how mighty he is

and i'm trembling inside, Lord
catching my breath, holding the erratic pulse
pulling my conscience
reminding myself how great Thou are

i've been there,
and i've been making failures
letting myself be steered by nerves
turning my head away from Your will

so at a time like this
i would fix my eyes on You
there's nothing else I would do
but close my eyes, surrender this shameful soul
only unto You