January The Seventh

It's January the seventh.

My parents are celebrating their 35th anniversary… separately. Mum is with us, might be visiting our close relatives with simple dishes as a thanksgiving. Dad is somewhere else, definitely in a much better place, probably enjoying heavenly food and entertainment. It's hard to imagine. Some people can still celebrate a special day regardless the distance. Having lived away for home for a few years, I often made a food graffiti, took a photo of it, and posted it on facebook or emailed it to the birthday person. At other times, I recorded a short clip of myself singing or playing an instrument. They are all very small, very simple, but from people's response I'm pretty sure I got my message across - I would love to take part in their celebration.

Without having dad around, it makes me wonder if I should wish my mum a happy anniversary. Tricky, isn't it? I ended up sending her a text, saying all nice things about how we cherish their love and have learnt how to love others from they way they loved each other. I also prayed that God gives her peace and strength. But still it's not the same. Something is missing. In fact, the biggest part of it is missing. And I broke down in tears. I believed mum did, too. Oh, perhaps my sister did too.

Last month I celebrated my 30th birthday. When my friends asked me how I would like to spend my birthday, I shared my plan to do some carolling at the nursing home. God is so kind to have made it happen. With my musical housemates who are very supportive, we went to a local nursing home, carrying a keyboard (which we borrowed from another friend), and had a wonderful time with the elderly there. It meant so much to me as having a chance to sing with these people brought back memories of my dad. He wasn't old - or that old. However, those nursing home residents and dad share distinctive features of dementia. I wanted to sing with these people on my birthday and draw a smile on their face. I wish to see a glimpse of joy in their eyes. I longed to share my gratefulness of being alive. But in the end I can't deny it - I wanted my dad.

Today, January the seventh, will be my first day volunteering at the hospital. Never worked in a hospital before, I was so excited to start this volunteer job. Whom am I going to see this morning? The elderly people. The ones with dementia. Again. I'm completely alert to the potential complexity I might encounter myself. It's risky and some people who know me would suggest me to step back. On the contrary, I believe that it's part of God's big plan. He took something away for a reason. Reaching out to these elderly people may be a step to understand the reason, although as a human being I will never fully comprehend His amazing plan.

Yes, His amazing plan. His amazing plan. I will type and say these three words over and over, just to remind myself of a much bigger picture, a much greater love story. Mum's yellow rice and longevity noodles might be the tastiest in our hometown, but it's nothing compared to the food in heaven. So is my singing/piano playing. The best thing we can do to celebrate God's love is by giving thanks to Him and loving Him whole-heartedly… in the same way as a husband loves his wife (and the other way around).

So on this day, January the seventh, I celebrate my parents' love once again. Last year was for 34 years of togetherness, and this year is for having brought their vows to perfection - Til Death Do Us Part. Thank God for being the foundation of their love. Praise Him for His infinite love.

the empty chairs

coping with the space
no more squeezing arms around herself
the wind flies her off
not holding onto any soul, she's lost

suddenly a lad appears
the empty chairs are no longer quiet
there's a spotted anxiety
a glimpse of undefined hope

should i say a word
should i ask 'how is the food?'
slowly beating hard what-so-called my heart
breathing in deeply, release it unnaturally

eyes stuck on the phone
frozen, avoiding to move
only thumbs dancing on the land of keys
pretending she's busy as everybody sees

this is it,
she ends up with some lines
words arranged in sort fancy style
not long 'til she comes back into the realm
the chairs have gone back calm

pipi yang basah

kubelai pipimu yang basah
sambil menahan air mataku sendiri
berat bagimu pasti, ibu
menjerit hati ini isakku pun pecah

disini, di tempat ku berteduh
selama hampir segenap usiaku
memandang langit tiap sudut kamarku
usang namun kaya berjuta kenangan

tiap tetes air mata yang telah
kubagi dengan selimut kesayangan
kupeluk guling dan membayang
kasih yang datang dan hilang

sedang di seberang sana
cahaya lampu berpijar
disanalah dua jiwa teramat kucinta
menjagaku sejak tangisku tak henti semalaman

aku pergi, dan kau pun pilu
'tuk semerbak senyummu, doaku malam ini
menghiasi hari-hari kala sepi
hingga nanti aku kembali memelukmu,
erat sedalam rinduku, oh ibu.

about process and present

So I guess I almost forgot how I enjoyed the process of every event in my life. I used to cherish all forms of surprises, regardless where it might lead me – happiness or grief. And today I was just reminded to stick to what I have at this moment when one of my 5 year-olds raised his hand and randomly said, “Miss Monica, we need to wait for 2 weeks before a cocoon turns into a butterfly” as we finished singing ‘Butterfly’.

Just because it is unseen, doesn’t mean it stops progressing. As the cocoon metamorphosing into a beautiful creature, it completes whatever task it needs to perform each day. No complaints, no hesitance, no worries about turning into something else or not being able to change at all.

Learnt from the cocoon, here’s the list of things I did today:

- Took the last bus ride with a dear colleague who’s moving to another campus.

- Popped up at a friend’s place, gave her a goodbye hug before her departure tomorrow morning.

- Had char kueytiaw for dinner, which I haven’t had for about a year.

- Finally, wrapped up this day with forgiveness. Yes, a decision to forgive could be the sweetest gift you give to yourself. It might not affect the other party, yet it totally makes a big difference in your daily life.

The moon was full last night. And the sky was crystal clear. Perhaps the moon is still full tonight, but its light is covered with the haze, thus looks less bright and pretty than last night. I’m glad I paused and enjoyed it for a while last night. I’m grateful that I took time to run my ‘errands’ today. Instead of worrying about what tomorrow may bring, I hope people I mentioned above were reminded of how special their presence are in someone’s life. At least in mine. :)

august the first

August the first, you’re the one

The very moment I should begin the countdown

But what am I gonna do if I can’t

Ain’t I have no idea where to run

I detest the place, yet it feels homey

Like a combination of yummy and yucky

Two types of rice mixed in a bowl of congee

Separating the good from the bad is just silly

August the first, the moonlight beamed down

The spirit of a woman takes it all round

Revealing the story of clueless soul

Stays where she stands, freed from the foul

Radiant does she always look

No matter how messy muddy her dress gets

Sweat and tears streaming down as the brook

There smiles she still, showing no regrets

August the first, I came here with thirst

I didn’t win the game, doesn’t mean I lose

By the story, I’ve been empowered

I’ve made a history, completed the cruise

second day

on my second day, i was completely lost

been wandering here and there like a ghost

if i could, only if i could find the most

perhaps i'd celebrate and offer a toast

from ap lei chau,

i didn't go straight home

i kept on switching the channel

just to be away and distracted

i went down to central,

sent off fatima my intricate sculptor,

tramming further to causeway bay,

and shopped all the way

really, what a fancy object our brain is

it requires all efforts to satisfy what it requests

for it's my second day of stay,

shall i not be gone astray

moved out, moved in!

My first day in Ap Lei Chau… Yes, I no longer belong to the hip Causeway Bay. After successfully moving 3 luggages, 7 paper bags, and 1 jumbo box into this flat, I’m officially moved in. Exhausted, but the spectacular view from the window has cast my weariness away. Two years ago when I arrived in HK, I used to live in Chi Fu Fa Yuen, a housing complex which is situated on the hills. The view from my small room was as marvelous – both sea and mountain views from 22^nd floor. From this current flat, Aberdeen sea illuminated by the lights from the boats, only 41 levels down there. Those boats are enjoyed by thousands of people residing in the flat buildings opposite the sea – or perhaps the other way around.

Only 15 minutes away from Causeway, it’s really tranquil in here. I suppose it’s a perfect place to reflect on my 2-year journey before I leave this vibrant city.  In fact it could be a shelter while I’m fighting against my worries of uncertain future. Well, what is certain in this world, anyway? Very few – we all can name it. So perhaps I’ll change my perspective of being worried about the future. If I got options, they could only fall into two chances: a slight difference or a dramatic change of life. Either way, it’s fun, it’s might be tough yet still fun, so let me convince myself.

Beautiful Sunday evening in Sham Wan Towers, how can I not be grateful? I’m thankful for everyone who owns the flat I’ve lived in. They are not only such great landlords, but also wonderful people. The comfort of staying in their flats somehow reflected their beautiful hearts.  These people were directly sent to us – not through an agent whatsoever. A clear hint, I guess, that the kindness needs to be directly spread out. Happy Sunday! :)